Tolerance

Tolerance

To tolerate

“Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself,”  - Robert Green Ingersoll

“The highest result of education is tolerance,” Helen Keller

I have seen great intolerance shown in support of tolerance, Samuel Taylor Coleridge


We hear the word "tolerance" a lot these days. We hear it especially in arenas of controversy and civil rights. What do we mean when we say it? What does it mean to those who hear it?

We ought to ask those two questions, I think, of everything we say - but especially for some thing in particular. This word has seen a lot of use - but *how* had it been used?

tol·er·ate

   [tol-uh-reyt]  Show IPA

verb (used with object), tol·er·at·ed, tol·er·at·ing.

1.

to allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of withoutprohibition or hindrance; permit.

2.

to endure without repugnance; put up with: I can toleratelaziness, but not incompetence.

3.

Medicine/Medical . to endure or resist the action of (a drug,poison, etc.).

4.

Obsolete . to experience, undergo, or sustain, as pain orhardship.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tolerate

tol·er·ance

   [tol-er-uhns]  Show IPA

noun

1.

a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward thosewhose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc.,differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.

2.

a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions andpractices that differ from one's own.

3.

interest in and concern for ideas, opinions, practices, etc.,foreign to one's own; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint.

4.

the act or capacity of enduring; endurance: My tolerance ofnoise is limited.

5.

Medicine/Medical, Immunology .

a.

the power of enduring or resisting the action of a drug,poison, etc.: a tolerance to antibiotics.

b.

the lack of or low levels of immune response totransplanted tissue or other foreign substance that isnormally immunogenic.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tolerance

According to Dictionary dot com (which we are going to trust because I do not believe that it was put together by a bunch of total idiots), it used to be that that to tolerate something was to begrudgingly allow the existence of something unpleasant, while the noun-form of the word still means that - but the definition has been bumped down to number 3.

What caused this change?

When did tolerance mean fairness? 

When did tolerance begin to mean permissiveness (and open-ended permissiveness at that)?

I think it was a social one that began... I am not sure when. I am not going to delve too much into the history of the think. However, I think there is a degree to which we can look at what something is and what something was and draw some decently accurate assumptions from the two. History has a tendency to fall into patterns.

So what caused this change of meaning?

I think it was this: fear.

Fear? You ask? 

Fear! I answer.

People are (mostly) fearful by nature. Fear is often involved in their everyday lives to such a degree that they could hardly live without it. Some examples: 

"What should I wear?" suddenly becomes the fear "What if other people don't like what I wear?"

"What should I say?" suddenly becomes the fear of "What is other people don't like what I have to say?"

People are so afraid of what someone (anyone) might say about them or even think about them that they begin to try and please everyone. How do they know what everyone thinks? Easy! The press and (more so now than in the 60's 70's and 80's) the internet.

Enter the reign of political correctness. God help you if you offend anyone! Except, you cannot say "God" (capital G).

Our forefathers, when they wrote a constitution to govern a democracy were concerned of tyranny of the majority. I doubt they could have foreseen a tyranny of the minority like the one we have today. We did not want to hurt anyone's feelings or tread on anyone's toes, so we became malleable and misshapen.

Those who did not like the change tolerated it. They begrudgingly accepted things that they disagreed with, things that went against their thoughts of an orderly society, and things that went against their personal beliefs. After all, they were not approving it, only tolerating it.

That is where some folks got the idea (or perhaps they stumbled across it by chance) to change the definition of the word tolerance. Suddenly tolerance was a good thing! Now, to be tolerant is to accept and approve of someone's way of life - your own thoughts are of no consequence. Tolerance became a catchphrase for people to proudly wear in this new-forming society which took some of the momentum of the black civil rights movement and ran much, much further with it. 

Do not get me wrong - I am not bigot when it comes to race. I have been accused of racism in some of my humor - but I insult all races and stereotypes equally, so balance is no lost. 

I simply think that someone's personal beliefs *should* effect how they live, how they speak, how they act, and how they vote. I am not trying to be political here. I am not endorsing a candidate for President, governor, mayor, or mailman. I simply think that if you are going to create a movement (much more a catchphrase for a century), you ought to form it around words that make sense.

I do promote understanding. I think people ought to pursue an understanding of others' ways, beliefs, and practices. But understanding is a very different thing from tolerance - both old and new. 

So here are my questions for you, dear readers:

What do you tolerate in the old sense?

What do you tolerate in the new sense?

And the ever important: Why?

Now

The wooden clock will chime
the time -
once every hour, in fact.
To act,
is life. So take a bow!
Is now
the moment you must plow
right through the temporal door
onto this stage of yours?
The time to act is now!

Now.

“Live in the now.”

“Now is the time to act.”

“We are now approaching our destination.”

“For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity,” - Screwtape


What do we mean when we say ‘now’? When is it? You cannot measure it. As soon as you say the word ‘now’ it is in the past. Your very act of reading now is moving along from past to the future words.

Mirriam Webster online dictionary gives us these definitions:

a: at the present time or moment
b : in the time immediately before the present now>c : in the time immediately to follow : forthwith now>
2—used with the sense of present time weakened or lost to express command, request, or admonition <now hear this><now you be sure to write>
3—used with the sense of present time weakened or lost to introduce an important point or indicate a transition (as of ideas) <now, this may seem reasonable at first>
4.... etc.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/now


For our purposes, let us look at ‘now’ as  ‘the present’ or ‘the moment’ (though Mirriam Webster does not use ‘the present’ as a noun, using ‘present’ as an adjective to form the phrase ‘the present time). “The present” can be seen as synonymous with “now” I think. Without bending grammar too much we could even consider “now” to be the proper noun for “the present.” So, what do we mean when we say “now?”

Well, as part of a command, it means “immediately.” For example, an irate mother calling her son: “Johnny H. Erickson, get your rear over here NOW!” I had many such imperatives shouted to me when I was a boy. That is simple and easy to understand. It’s a case of “at this present time, begin the task which I assigned you.”

But then there is the much more involved use of “now” which is part of the popular phrase “living in the now” (which, personally, I have always disliked to some extent in my prudish, purist, writer’s way, thinking that “living in the present” or “living in the moment” was the proper way to express that idea). It is also commonly used in the phrase “choose now” or its equivalent. In fact, if you look at how the phrase “living in the now” is commonly used, it is very often tied into choices facing a person. Granted, many of the choices justified by the phrase “living in the now” are foolish ones but they are still choices. What these foolish choices represent is a state of mind concerned only with the more immediate situation and not possible consequences down the line. At the time of this writing, there is a popular phrase in American youth “you only live once” or shortened to the acronym “YOLO.” I have heard it described as “carpe diem for idiots.” I tend to agree.

In any event, that is not the whole explanation for the word and idea of “now.” When you get down to it, the “now” in carpe diem refers to a day (literally) or, in common use, a specific chunk of time. But when the choice actually comes to be made, then that quantity of time has shrunk down quite small indeed.

Like I mentioned at the very beginning, the present is a point. In fact, mathematically speaking (dipping a toe very lightly into the world of theoretical physics) “now” is exactly that - a point - a fourth dimensional point. I am going to assume that you know something about geometry, but for the sake of my explanation, I shall do a bit of, well, explaining.

A point, is a thing that does not actually exist. It has no dimension in any of the three that something must have to exist (height, depth, and width). I’ll skip over the line, square, and cube examples. Then comes the fourth dimension, time. For something to exist, it must have a length of duration. If it does not exist for any period of time, it does not exist at all. It must travel from one point in time to another. So, all of space (the three dimensions) has to travel along a fourth linear dimension, and when we measure that line, we call it time.

I know that was a bit involved but I think a video I discovered on youtube (shown to me by a friend, far more intelligent than I) may help with the exposition:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkxieS-6WuA  (watch up to time 5:12)

The moment/present/now (whichever you wish to call it) is one point on the line of time but we, as people existing in these three dimensions and traveling along the fourth, cannot view it objectively. It is (as the video called it) a cross section of time, living moment by moment. You’ll have noticed the narrator also said out choices “could branch off at any moment.” So, what we really live choice to choice.

So, I think the best identifier we have for “now” is choices. Now is when we choose. Of course, this raises some questions about who *we* are as beings existing in these dimensions. I will save that discussion for another time. For now, I will simply refer to us human beings as “people” and we can hash out what we mean by that later. But for us, as people, “now” is when we choose. Now is when we act, speak, and think.

Now is when a person decides to pull the trigger and become a murderer.
Now is when a husband decides to that his passions are more important than his wedding vows.
Now is when a soldier decides that his body will make a suitable shield between his brothers and a grenade.
Now is when you decide that getting drunk out of your mind would be a good idea.
Now is when the man plucks up the courage to ask his girl to marry him.
Now is when I choose to type this next thought.
Now is when I decide I need a shower and take a break from writing this to go cleanse myself and think some more about what I’m trying to say and how to present it.
Now is when I decide to pick up a pretzel and put it in my mouth.

All across the spectrum of importance, we are making choices constantly. Now is when that happens. But each of these choices have immense import whether we realize it or not. Each choice shapes our lives - it has an impact on our outcome and our nature. Going by the ideas in that video, choices shape our fifth dimension.

It is a weighty thought, isn’t it? It ought to make you ponder for a time. What am I choosing? Why am I choosing it? Where will my choice lead? What effects will it have?
So, let me ask. How are you shaping your fifth dimension? As a person, an aware individual, you have some control over what end-state you will arrive at. Where are you going? What are you doing *right now*? That one is actually easy, you are reading a blog. But after you choose to close this browser window, what will you choose to do?

But there is another aspect to “now” that ought to be addressed. You never escape the now. You are always making decisions - there is no way to do nothing. So, while you ought to be aware of the import of your decisions, decide! It is often good to decide to wait - but, decide to wait, do not default to it. It is not just a question of putting the present into context but making sure that the present is not wasted.

So, I encourage you, my dear readers, to “live in the moment” and be aware of the fact that you live from choice to choice - but also to have awareness of the world that you live in and the import your choices have. Each choice you make changes the entire future of your life. It folds that fourth dimension into into the fifth and alters the shape of time. In a way, your “now” is forever.

Pain

It hurts.

Mommy, please make it stop. It’s killing me! The thoughts race through his mind. The pain races through his arms, to his shoulders, merges in his back, and surges up into his head. The pulsing and tearing of each movement rips a new hole from his consciousness into a dark world of agony. Life has slowed down where a second is a week and each moment, instead of slipping by at the speed of time becomes an eternity in which to experience the excruciating suffering.

He’s grateful for the thousand beads of sweat running down his face because it hides the tears from the eyes of those watching. Somewhere, music is playing, if you could call it music. It was a jarring, ear-thrashing blend of sound that followed the drumbeats of a slave galley, forcing the rhythm into the souls of the condemned, those already dead but still moving with each doom, doom, doom, doom. It goes on forever. No end.

-Beepbeep –

It ends.

He raises the weighted bar one last time and sets it down on the forked rests. The clock tells him that two minutes have passed. The fire in his arms still rages but the pain is welcome now. The dross of weakness is being scraped off the surface and only steel will remain.

-beepbeepbeep-

He lies back down again, lifts the bar, and descends back into the depths of agony with a smile on his face.

The pain is his friend.

Pain

“Pain, is not the enemy. Pride, self-pity, self-righteousness, the bitterness in your heart, these are the enemy,” – My mother

“Pain is never a bad thing. Your pain, it teaches you a lesson. Your opponent’s pain, well that’s just good,” – Anonymous Wrestling Coach

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something,” – Wesley (disguised as the Dread Pirate Roberts) from The Princess Bride.

“Pain is weakness leaving the body,” – USMC


Pain, hurt, agony, ache, suffering, torment, anguish; we have many words for it and most of us know what someone means when they use the word ‘pain’. Many people live their whole lives in pain. Others live their whole lives running from it. Often, people will spend hours, years, or lifetimes, contemplating their pain. But how often do we stop and think about what it is?

Just what is pain?

Most people will say “well, pain is what hurts you.” But what does it mean to be ‘hurt’?

Merriam-Webster online describes it this way:

“a state of physical, emotional, or mental lack of well-being or physical, emotional, or mental uneasiness that ranges from mild discomfort or dull distress to acute often unbearable agony, may be generalized or localized, and is the consequence of being injured or hurt physically or mentally or of some derangement of or lack of equilibrium in the physical or mental functions (as through disease), and that usually produces a reaction of wanting to avoid, escape, or destroy the causative factor and its effects ” http://www.merriam-webster.com/medical/pain

We have a couple words that we can draw from this definition:

Well-being (and the lacking of it)

and

Uneasiness

For the purposes of our discussion, I think that ‘well-being’ is the more profitable focus for our attention. Do not misunderstand me. I am not tossing aside information or a point of view simply because I deem it irrelevant. However, when each of us think of pain, I seriously doubt that the word ‘unease’ comes to mind (unless we are classifying fear as form of pain).

Lack of well-being

There are a host of questions that arise from this definition of pain. However, I would like to begin with one that is not readily apparent.

Is pain a bad thing?

Don’t answer right away. Let us ask some other questions but, as we do, hold that question in the back of your mind.

What is well-being (since the lacking of it is pain)? This is a question that delves into your very definition of life and how to live it. The simple answer is a physical one. We can start there and move on to a possible deeper meaning. Well-being, on the simplest level, is your physical health. If you have a cut, there is pain and a lack of full health. If you have the flu, you are in a different sort of pain.

Normally, I don’t do this, but I am going to disagree with the dictionary about this word.

You see, even on a physical level, ‘pain’ and a ‘lack of well-being’ are not the same. What about exercise? If done right, it is painful, but it is good for you. Is it not really pain? According to the dictionary, it is not. What about childbirth? Heralded as one of the most painful experiences of life (and I shall not dispute it) it is not (if all goes well) a detriment to the well-being of the mother. According to the dictionary, it is not pain. I think that you, my readers, will agree when I say that this is a poor definition for pain.

I would say that pain is the feeling associated with friction or hardship. I might even say “pain is the feeling of difficulty”.

Think about it. When you are sick, it is difficult and you feel it. When you cut yourself it’s the same story. When you work-out to the point of agony, it is a painful hardship. When a woman gives birth, it could very well be the hardest and most painful time of their lives. Let’s take it deeper. When your best friend betrays you, it is difficult to deal with and you feel it – deeply. When your long-term girlfriend or boyfriend leaves you, it is difficult to handle and definitely you feel pain in it. When your cousin dies, there is no doubt to either the hardship or pain.

Now, the point of it all: there is a point to it all.

There is a purpose to pain.

Can I prove such a crazy statement or is it simply the wishful thinking of an optimist that says “everything happens for a reason, look at the silver lining”? I shall assure you that I am no optimist by nature. Yet I do think that

Well, then what is the purpose?

Well there is the one that any people assume is the answer for pain: to make you stronger. While I do not think that this is the only reason for pain. I do think it is one of them. In a manner similar to exercising (where the muscles are torn and put back together, stronger) when a person is torn emotionally and put back together, they are stronger.

How are they put back together? By the doctors around us. Many times those are friends or family. Sometimes it is through faith in some great physician to do the healing. I don’t know how you deal with pain. However, as you are put back together, you must be careful. It is easy to become jaded, bitter, or resentful.

I once heard it described this way:

“When you are hurt, it is like being cut with a sharp knife, there may be a deep wound but it is clean and while there might be a scar, it will heal. Yet if you allow bitterness, self-pity, or self-righteousness into that wound it will become infected and become a poison to you. It will not heal and if it ever closes will leave a nasty scar.”

I tend to agree with that description. Pain can make you stronger through the very act of dealing with the pain. Whether you put yourself through it, or whether you are forced into it, you are placed into a position of hardship and your muscles or mind are stretched to the breaking point. The only question is ‘how will you be put back together’?

Yet I think that there is another purpose for pain.

Pain is a message.

Who sent it? I’ll leave that to you to discover. I have an idea but I do not want to spoil your own search for the answer.

Sometimes pain lets you know not to do something again. This is most often physical pain. Fire is HOT and will burn you, so putting your face in it is a bad idea. It can be emotional pain. For example if someone enters into a bad and ill-advised relationship for poor reasons, the resulting pain teaches a lesson. This is NOT to say that all pain in relationships means that they were a bad idea. ALL relationships involve pain, most of that is the kind that makes the members of the relationship (and often the relationship itself) stronger.

Sometimes pain is a way to draw you closer to others. It tells you that you cannot make it on your own. It is very hard (I might say impossible, since I have never seen it done) to heal yourself of hurt. When you have been wounded, either physically or emotionally, you need others around you to care for you and help you to clean and dress the wound. Some small wounds can be dealt with on your own, like a paper cut or an insensitive word from someone close to you that cut worse than they knew. Some can be shrugged off, like a stubbed toe or an insulting comment about your hair. Yet, when the pain is severe enough, it necessitates the invitation of others into our life in order to deal with it. It is a reminder that we were not made to live alone. Some of us are more solitary than others, yet we all need people close to us, in our lives and hearts.

So, is pain a bad thing (remember I asked that question before)? I hold that it is not. While it is not a pleasant feeling I think that pain and pleasure are far more than they seem to be and move simply from desirable and undesirable, or comfortable and uncomfortable, and become opportunities to grow.

Like Wesley said in that wonderful parody The Princess Bride, life is pain. Pain is life. If we go through life expecting no pain or avoiding pain, we avoid life altogether. Yet if we accept it, embrace it, and heal from it, we will grow and be able to look back on our pains as the chiseling of an artist carving out the person you were intended to be rather than the random striking of lightening.

So, how do you view pain? How do you deal with it?

Regret

It’s not who you are on the inside, but what you do that defines you” – Rachel Dawes, Batman Begins

My Dear Readers,

This post comes with a warning. If you are a casual reader (or are currently reading casually) do not read any further. This post is not for light reading or skimming for entertainment. I have taken a plunge into what I hope to be the deep end of the pool in order to draw out the import off this week's word as much as my feeble mind can. However, if your mind is prepared and your heart open, then please proceed...

The Letter

It was the hardest thing Mark had ever done. Yet, with a resolve that sprang from desperation, he pressed pen to paper. Maybe this letter would make the darkness go away. Maybe the dreams would stop. Maybe the inky hands that clawed at his soul would finally cease. The candle flickered shadows across the attic walls, yet they inspired no fear into the stricken young man hunched over the small writing desk. It took everything in him to write the words.

Dear Sir,

This letter may come as a surprise to you since I have been away for nearly ten years. I will not detail the places I have hidden. Suffice it to say, I did my best to run from you. I am, at present, in Chicago, America if you should wish to find me. I am tired of running. My strength is gone and my resolve to hide has vanished. You may pursue me and do with me as you see fit. In fact, it is my earnest desire that justice be meted out to me. I now understand my place and know I stand guilty before your judgment. I will confess my sins though you know them very well. My soul must know that each of them has been listed and perhaps then I shall sleep the sleep of the knowingly condemned.

I am the thief that stole your daughter's innocence. It was I and no other. I could claim it was passion but that would be a lie and I refuse to add dishonesty to my crimes. I took her for my own satisfaction of taking. I took her to know that I could and in that taking, I gave away my own innocence. I could claim that it was curiosity but that would only be another lie. It was nothing but the avarice of lust. I did this knowingly and willfully. I did this to your daughter. You, who have treated me like a son, who opened up your home to me and gave me food and shelter when I was but a beggar; you who watched my wooing of your daughter, Eliza, with a smile.

Eliza -

Mark's pen wobbled and an errant stroke tore a hole in the paper where a tear had damped it. His hand shook as he forced his hand to continue to write.

Were I able to return and marry her, I would do so. Word of her death in childbirth reached me when I was in Singapore. Her death and the death of her - our child was what shook me out of my self-pitying stupor. I knew that I had stolen your daughter's innocence from her but then I realized that I had stolen her from you.

I believe this letter to be as useless as a clod of earth with a postage stamp on it in the effort of reconciliation. In truth, I do not believe for an instant that an eternity of penance would rectify my wrong. This letter is to acknowledge to you my regret and sorrow. I know that the words "I am sorry" are ineffective, if not offensive but I must say them.

I am sorry. My regret has overcome me and sunk my life into a pit out of which I believe there to be no rescue. I am too much of a coward to take my own life, yet my own past removes my will to live. My hope now is that your vengeance will swiftly remove my unworthy life from this earth. I do not ask for impossible forgiveness. I ask only for death.

Regretfully yours,

Mark Anthony Neville

With the gait of a man on his way to the gallows, Mark, left his rented attic, and trudged slowly to the post office and mailed the letter, knowing as he did that he had just signed his life into the hands of a wronged and righteous man. That night, for the first time in years, he slept peacefully. But when he woke, the knots in the rotted wood of the ceiling only stared down at him in silent hatred. Sleep would not kill the regret.

Regret
verb (used with object)

1. To feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

–noun

3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/regret

I think it safe to say that regret is something that we all have a bit of, some of us more than others. And, I believe, if we look deep enough that it is something that fills a dark corner of our hearts and never leaves us. That corner may be small, but it is there. If you live for any length of time on this world, odds are you will do something that you wish you hadn't or you will lose something irreplaceable. For some of you it will be something which might be considered minor and your sentiment is comprised of words like: "I wish I hadn't done that. It's going to be a bother later". Then there are those of us who truly have regrets, actions in our past that, if we could go back, we would give an arm or our very lives to prevent. If you are being honest with yourself, you are thinking back right now and, springing up in your mind is that action or event. It might be a wound that is still fresh and open or old and scabbed over. Yet, in a dark parody of reminiscence, certain things reopen that wound.

Dear readers, I want you to do something hard. I want you to turn your mind to that dark corner and place a finger on those old wounds.

Do you remember your first regret?

I remember mine clearly. My father had given me a balloon when I was young (I might not have been older than two years of age). I was outside and in my curiosity, I let go of it. As I watched it float away, I felt an absence grow in my heart. It was the first time I can remember that I had lost something irretrievable. I was devastated. (I have recovered since then.)

What was your greatest regret?

Is there something in your life that you would trade anything to take back? Perhaps it was something that you did or something that you gave away for a song or for a lie. Many things, once lost cannot be regained. Innocence comes to mind, innocence of mind and of body. My story will remain untold, but I assure you dear readers, there are action in my past that I would gladly go back in time and shoot myself to prevent. What is it that you have done? What is it that you gave away?

Now, how do you deal with that regret?

We all find some way of dealing with it. Which is yours? Do you forget about them? Do you deny their existence? Some turn to drink and other deceitful comforts. Others seek penance and try to erase their past actions.

Does your method of ‘dealing’ work?

Here is what I believe. There is no remedy for regret. What has been done cannot be undone. I believe what was said in the quote at the top of this post. What you do defines who you are. There is an old religious text that said it this way “out of the heart, the mouth speaks”. When you say the words, when you take that step (figurative or literal) you make a statement about who you are. Think long and hard right now. What do your words and actions say about who you are? It should be a sobering thought. When you were at your worse, when you were in that moment when you chose to do that thing that you have regretted ever since, that was you. That was part of who you are.

Can you live with that?

If you cannot, what should you do? To go on with life, you must find a way to either remove the regret (which I do not believe is possible) or overcome it. My own way of overcoming it is with hope. Now that is another word for another post but suffice to say that ‘hope’ is not a general, ethereal concept. I have home in specific things and people that I trust. I look forward to someday when I will no longer have regrets, when I will no longer make the mistakes that cause those scars in my life. I believe that there is hope to change and a door to a life beyond regret.

So, my dear readers, I will leave you with this thought: Have you found the door to the life beyond regret or is that dark corner still festering in your heart?